If you’re sharing an apartment, here’s a little math for you: Roommate = Girlfriend – Sex + (Arguments x 100). If you’ve got more than one roommate, multiply that appropriately and then cry yourself to sleep in your tiny corner of the unit.
Want the place to yourself? Don’t mind paying 100% of the rent? Here are some ways to convince your roommates to move out, using the time-honored tradition of passive resistance. You’ll be like Gandhi, only a complete dick.
Label Everything
Sure, you may already label your food or your booze. But think outside the box: Label the batteries inside the TV remote. Claim each individual piece of toilet paper. Even paper the windows with Post-Its and declare sunlight as your own.
Take Up An Instrument
Have you ever actually heard a clarinet? It’s awful. Start playing it a lot. That, or an accordion. If all else fails, there are always drums.
Cook A Bunch Of Gross Stuff
Develop your culinary skills, just not with any appetizing dish. Try a new recipe for gefilte fish, or stink curry, or boiled roadkill. If that doesn’t drive your roommates away, cooking in the “Breaking Bad” sense should do the trick.
Invite Your Craziest Friends Over
Make some new buddies, then bring them to the house. Oh, all your new friends are feral dogs? Even better.
Get Really Into Ambient Music
Turn up your speakers, face ‘em against the wall and crank up the white noise, circus sound effects and your favorite mp3 of foreign sirens. Answer any complaints with “it’s what the kids are listening to these days, get used to it.”
Every Night Is Poker Night!
Start running a 24-hour casino in your apartment, with as many degenerate gamblers as you can find sleeping at the OTB. If your roommates love poker, dare them to compete against each other in Russian Roulette. One way or another, you’re losing some roommates.
Develop Night Terrors
Fall asleep to a horror movie marathon and a bottle of NyQuil for as many months as it takes for your nocturnal screaming to scare off the roommates forever. Finally you’ll have a room to yourself, albeit possibly one with padded walls.
Leave All Doors Open
The refrigerator door. The front door. The bathroom door, definitely. Set up a deer feeder in your living room and let nature take its course until your roommates can’t stand living with woodland creatures.
Change The WiFi Password
For emergencies only. That’s just coldblooded.
Source:MTV
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